revelation

i had just experienced one of moments again where i reflect on myself and think, "now i remember why do music..."

i went onto campus this afternoon to observe symphony rehearsal today. the symphony is preparing for the 125th anniversary concert for USC and it's this huge gala event that's invite only from the president of the university. anyway, so originally they had invited soprano jessye norman but cancelled a couple of weeks ago due to a "pinched nerve." something was shady about that but in a last hope gesture, they managed to get itzhak perlman to play at the concert. so i found out he was going to play the bruch violin concerto and started studying that again as they've been rehearsing that the last couple of rehearsals. i went in today because i was to take notes on the rehearsal and stuff but noticed on the schedule that bruch was at 3:50 and willams was at 4:15. i was like, "williams? is that a new piece?" no one had mentioned that so i was scratching my head as to what it was. after the bruch rehearsal finished, they went onto this "williams" piece and then my teacher (who was conducting) turned to me and said, "henry, get up here." kind of embarrassing because he singled me out in front of the orchestra and handed me a part. he introduced me to the orchestra and asked if i could join them. i looked and it was a celesta part for "three pieces for schindler's list." i was initially shocked and then thought, "oh geez, JOHN williams... duh." but instead of moaning and groaning which i had expected, everyone got quiet and serious. my teacher then asked if everyone knew the piece and the movie and maybe about half of them did (keep in mind, 90% of the strings are korean fobs). so after a little intro to the piece, my teacher asked "just play as tenderly as possible," and they started to read it. sure enough, it was the title theme to schindler's list and i proceeded to play my part. but what really hit me was that you could see every single person into it, not smirking or making faces that "oh, we're playing john williams" or "oh gawd... stupid cheesy movie music." we read it once and there was dead silence. then my teacher applauded the soloists involved (english horn, cello, etc) and made a few comments and then talked more about what the movie was about for the people uninformed. then we played it again... and while we were playing, i could see the faces of some of the players who really felt pain in it because i'm sure they or their relatives were affected by what happened during the holocaust... so hurt, so moved, and so taken by this piece... that when we got to the end, it was just tears in the orchestra and dead silence. then in a whisper, rehearsal was ended early and everyone left quietly. i had never seen such a thing in my life.

i remember when i first heard this when i watched the movie. i went out to the store and bought the soundtrack right away because it was good. i admit, it was one of my favorite movie soundtracks because it wasn't this blaring grandiose themes that we're used to hearing in movies. this one was very personal. i began to realize that my time at berkeley, studying with milnes, and just being around musicologists and other students that just automatically disregard film music and say john williams is a hack, that my own feelings had been clouded. before coming to cal, i really enjoyed all those famous john williams soundtracks and other movie composers. it didn't matter to me that john williams copied all those themes from other pieces and that he's unoriginal. i liked the themes and he was good at rehashing old classical themes, no doubt. in the end, all this music made me love music even more. true, it's not advancing music of the 21st century but it's fun and enjoyable and isn't that what music is about anyway? why else do we do music? surely not to torture ourselves. we do it because we love it.

to see all those players' faces and seeing how such a simple tune could bring about so much emotion, it just baffled my mind. so then the question has to be asked to all my musician friends out there: why are you doing music in the first place? to make millions of dollars? to be in some 1st class orchestra? to reinforce what the latest musicology finding is? to me, those are all superficial. music moves us in a way that no other thing in life can. i did it because nothing else makes me happier. and whatever the music may be... maybe it's a strauss tone poem, maybe it's a tchaikovsky symphony, maybe it's a stravinsky ballet, or a piece written just yesterday by a graduate student, or even the theme to jurrasic park... as long as i am enjoying what i'm doing and the people and my surroundings are also enjoying it, i shouldn't let what any outsider might say deter from what i believe in.

and with that thought, i think i will call it a night! =)